While I was going through premarital counseling last year, there was a verse the counselors kept pointing to. One that helps us understand the real reason why dating a non-Christian is a bad idea. In Amos 3:3, the Lord says “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (NIV)
Picture for a second you and a friend trying to decide where to eat. One of you wants to go to a restaurant in one direction; the other to a restaurant in the opposite direction. If you can’t agree, you’ll end up walking in separate directions (either to different restaurants, or to separate houses because you just gave up and went home).
This is a really basic illustration of the larger question in Christian dating: Why is “unequally yoked” such a big deal?
In 2 Corinthians 6:14, the Apostle Paul drops this wisdom bomb: “Do not be yoke together with unbelievers….” (NIV) Do you already feel a “But, but…but!” forming on your lips? Okay, let’s see: Yes, but this is Paul talking and not Jesus or God issuing a command.
So technically, to date an unbeliever in and of itself isn’t a sin. But before you point your finger and “Ah-ha!” your computer monitor, I can tell you how dating unbelievers in the past can be a stepping stone to — not a safeguard from — other sins. Especially the uniquely precarious sin, sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18, NIV).
Being with a non-Christian wasn’t my sin, but while dating them they were more inclined to invite, or allow things that weren’t wrong in their eyes. (And, let’s be honest, things that appealed to my flesh in ways that I may have subconsciously wanted to indulge!) And no, I’m not “holier than thou,” I’ve just learned the hard way that all the more reason I can’t date — don’t want to date — an unbeliever is because I’m not strong enough. It’s like a lifeguard, who thinks they can rescue a floundering swimmer.
As a lifeguard “back in my day,” I learned that you have to know when to keep a safe distance — or else a panicked swimmer will push you beneath the water, in order to prop themselves up. It’s just what they default to as they simply try to survive (except, instead, you both could end up drowning). Paul knew that about our hearts to help, but also our human limitations. My study Bible footnote explains it this way:
“Paul wants believers to be active in their witness for Christ to nonbelievers, but they should not lock themselves into personal or business relationships that could cause them to compromise the faith. Believers should do everything in their power to avoid situations that could force them to divide their loyalties.” (Life Application Study Bible, Zondervan)
Dating a Christian isn’t a silver bullet to a sinless relationship, though. Nor is being able to “check” the “Says he’s a Christian” box the only criteria.
I’ve dated Christians, too, with whom I ended up having deep inequalities of thought and faith that presented great challenges to a future marriage — and parenting. That’s the real reason why being equally yoked is so important. If you can’t agree, you can’t walk together (Amos 3:3 echo), and disunity — especially in marriage — is a gateway to strife and added struggle.
The wisdom of 2 Corinthians 6:14 is not because God’s trying to ruin your fun. If anything, it’s trying to fulfill it more greatly. I know now that it’s in my best interest to be equally yoked with someone in marriage. Because when life inevitably happens, that’s when it’s most important that a person default to the Bible, prayer and wise counsel to navigate the storm. I’ve gone through some storms with guys I’ve dated — and when it’s a relationship unequally yoked, we’ve just ended up drowning each other.
And I know equally yoked is possible — and amazing — because I have some great examples of couples in my life, who lift each other up. Even when life happens, they help keep each other afloat, in part because they both know who their real Rescuer is.
Life’s struggles aside — I’ve also seen through these couples how amazing love is when you’re equally yoked. How, if you’re going to fully experience and communicate true love, it’s critical you be with someone who understands that we can love each other best only by being conduits of God’s love. Which is hard if you’re with someone who’s resistant or in denial about the Father in the first place.
